As you may know, one of my job duties here is to manage our
user-generated blog. Every day I sift through the queue of blog entry submissions and publish posts about Internet marketing, business tactics, social media, web dev/design, etc. While I publish one or two worthy, relevant blog entries each day, I delete several spam submissions. I've seen spam entries about buying World of Warcraft gold, pay day loans, auto loans, Halloween costumes, recycling batteries, hypnosis, GPS, song lyrics, eyeglasses, dogs, Asia travel, India tourism, car rentals, installing car DVDs, cosmetic surgery, t-shirt printing, civil engineering, UK vacation properties, fragrance products, food coloring, music festivals, fashion, and virtually everything in between. At this point not many spam entries surprise or amuse me--I pretty much delete them and continue through the queue.
Until now. The other day I was going through the queue of submitted entries and came across a spam post that was so funny I decided to illustrate it. Below is that spam entry, in illustrated form. All of the copy at the top of each panel is actual verbatim copy from the blog submission (I only provided the drawings). I hope this entry brings you as much joy as it brought me. Enjoy.
I can't wait to see this guy's next submission:
How for you to be Super Hero
Is simples.
Thank-you please.
How for you to be Super Hero
1. Get you cape
2. Wear you cape
3. Jump off building
There, fixed that for you :)
stop outing my secrets. jeeeez. this blog loves to out shit.
Well, it's actually better than 90% of the ebooks I've seen :.) It's easy to read, succinct, and totally focused on message.
Perhaps you should write a "How To Use Linkscape" guide in the same manner? :.)
Oh balls... create an account.... no wonder why I've never been able to sell anything on ebay.
This is, as far as I can tell, exactly how eBay works. Notice he didn't bother to mention shipping anything to anyone. Just post item and collect dollar signs. Brilliant marketing plan, that.
I think this should be a weekly addition to the blog. Rebecca picks a spammy submission and illustrates it for us. That would be great!
Rand would be like, "Wait, I'm paying you to do what?!"
Rand wouldn't care. It's all about customer service and we are the customers! Isn't the customer always right?
Too funny, I love it Rebecca. You make you drawing goods.
Sweet baby Jesus, that's the best post I've seen in a long time.
After the first illustration, I thought "Rebecca, you retard - that's not a spam submittal - it's Pat Sexton". ;)
So, it's no coincidence to see that Pat is your first commenter!
Just a couple of notes:
1) From the description of your spam entries, it sounds like you could create a whole other site (ie, www.spamcentral.com), post the stuff there, and make lots and lots of monies.
2) Your illustrations are glorious. Seriously, did you and Pat go to the same Art School?
I used to have an eBay store and I'm sorry, but I don't find this funny at all. This person is promoting exactly the type of eBay spam that made it virtually impossible for me to sell my product.
You know, it's only a matter of time before that product becomes a reality...
Actually, that product is already available, but the mfg is called "I Rick".
I don't get it. I thought maybe it was gonna be one of those pictures of some chick, where if you look closely... you realize they have a hairy ballsack hanging out of the bottom of their skirt. But I've been scanning your linked image for like 5 minutes and I can't find any hairy ballsacks anywhere.
Let me splain,
If you had a strong Asian accent and you said "I Rick", as in "I Rick You For Rong Time", then would you get it? Okay, maybe not so funny.
I do think the hairy ball sack idea was a good one though. Kind of like a "Find Waldo". It would have to be really subtle though. Hmmm...
Yeah, you definitely need it to be subtle.
OMG.
And this is why I make sure to read all the comments...
I thought Rebecca's article was golden causing me to laugh out loud (and yes, I mean actually laugh out loud, not some of this LOL crap)... only to find ladyboys and ballsacks.
That was the point I spat coffee all over my keyboard.
Hell Ya's.
When Sean and Darren get together. You know there are going to be some solid laughs. :)
Ohhh, that totally explains what I was doing wrong! I forgot the "not ipod" part in my titles!
Darn, I could have made so much more money....
Uh, spam, yeah, sure. That was hilarious!
(Damn, I guess Rebecca didn't find my instructional ebay how-to article up to the usual standards...)
haha...it sucks...get it :P
Hell is that all it takes to make money on eBay! Send the guy a thank you from me, I am quitting SEO and joining the eBay army today.
Very funny post Rebecca, although have you been attending the Tom Critchlow school of online art? :)
https://twitter.com/tomcritchlow
Odd enough, I did a Google search for "Ebay Strategy" and got your illustrations in OneBox.
Sad part is that I don't think that was spam. I think this person honestly thought they had written a great piece with tremendous insights.
Who would have thought to take a picture of their item? Amazing!
The "not ipod" part really cracked me up.
Great post, but I got in trouble for reading it because it looked like I wasn't learning about SEO... :(
In my boss' defense, I really wasn't.
Yeah, i don't think that was spam either..who spams people with their "Ebay secrets"? Was he asking for a link or money or anything?
Here's his next email to you:
"Why you tell everyone my Ebay secrets? You not very nice person. This was a private secret for you and you tell the whole world. Now you ruin my secret. You not so funny either."
There may have been links that I stripped out. I can't remember. I do get non-link injected spam posts fairly often, though, and I can never understand the intent of the author.
Could I hire you to illustrate all of the spam I get? It wouldn't make the senders any less annoying, but it would definitely make my day better.
That could be quite the cushy job... *ponders*
Stickmen popping pills to enhance their stickmen appendages allowing them to perform better in bed while collecting unclaimed Nigerian money to consolidate debts...
Rebecca - give SEOmoz the flick because this could be the beginning of the next big thing in online comics - The Stickmen Spam Saga.
Give it a couple of years and before you know it, they'll have Matt Damon playing the leading role.
Matt Damon.... ha! Yes. You the win.
You Rebecca do put me to shame... I am shamed heh
Hell yeah, why did we shell out all this money to hire a fancy designer when I could be crafting beatiful icons and graphics for the site? ;P
Worst. Drawings. Ever.
(which really means...Best. Drawings. Ever!)
The sad thing is that this guy is NOW probably poised to make a million bux! Is he ready to become the William Hung of Spam?
Still, this piece just raised my happy index by about 500 points! I think I'll start forwarding my Spam to you just to get my daily entertainment fix.
William Hung! What happened to that guy!
Ok, who the hell thumbed this post down? That person should be identified and banned from SeoMoz.
This is one of the funniest posts ever. Love it! I almost love it as much as I love this other Rebecca classic!
#100 Woot! I coudn't resist. My favorite post of all time, evah, this week.
Is it possible to DOUBLE thumb this? You have a knack for SPAM illustration!
Wait, I thought spam was unsolicited?
I think his spam was pretty successful - we read it. It's priceless!
...and SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE will hire him. Mark my words
I laughed out loud at least twice, but I think the illustrations helped me get an image in my head of this guy getting so excited about helping all the "ebay noobs" that spend their day on SEOmoz.
In keeping with his "not ipod" theme... did he submit this as "not spam"?
SPAM ur doin it rong
Love it love it love it. You are hilarious Rebecca! Definitely sharing this one with the ecommerce community.
Finally a user guide at my level.
Ah, love it...
My next e-bay sale with be:
For sale: Ipod (not ipod)
this comment doubled the laugh
Wow this is histerical! Love it!
Don't be surprised if you start to have full Anime cartoon videos sent over to the Moz. Man that was good.
I come back to this post often just to laugh my ass off.
Yaay, I so rich.
Classic.
I had a terrible drive into work today, was all set to be completely miserable for the rest of the day (it's cold and raining) and then this was the first thing I saw when I got in, it has completely made my day!
Nice post and the drawings are quite convincing. Very nice article.
You can't imagine my disappointment when I realised the original submission wasn't illustrated!!!
Very very funny, I was in need of a good laugh this afternoon - thanks Rebecca!
Love it. You have to admire the clear communication going on here.
If anyone here reads my comment before viewing the post, here's my pro tip:
Don't get to the "here is a vacuum that..." part with a hot beverage in hand, while wearing no pants.
Me think awesome! totally you
I can write a part II and you post the drawings again!
Ebay Strategy Part 2
- Send product immediately. Write on box "Do not delay, fragile, [not ipod], special delivery."
- Leave customer feedback, say shes nice and pretty or dark and handsome.
- Ask customer for positive feedback for you as seller.
- Sell more product, make sure you do not sell ipods so [no ipod] is applicable.
- Yes you are rich, until the next time.
We need to include "A++, would buy from again" as sample feedback.
Laughed so hard I had an asthma attack. I am now sucking on my inhaler like a crack pipe and trying to stifle a choking giggle.
Thanks for the laught. And the trip to the emergency room!
You do need to add the sad seller section when they relalize there's a 21 day hold on their money.
Must wait 21 days (or more) for money. So sad.
Gasp! Giggle. Gasp!
Is it terrible that I take (guilty) pleasure in knowing I made you laugh so hard you almost died? *evil laugh* That's a comic in and of itself...
I put you item on EBay, but no rich yet (not iPod). LOL! Love it
I guess you didn;t like my spam email then egh? Maybe if i use vector art next time :)
Believe it or not I learned a lot from his submission. (like what not to submit if I ever do submit anything)
Should be voted
SEO Humor of the Day! What if you guys make a category for this kind of stuffs?
It will not just make us and other people laugh, but will also teaches us what not to do during post submissions.
Just an opinion! Cheers!
Great! Now the eBay secret is out. Oh well, the gravy train couldn't last forever...
To our spammy friend:
i'm in ur strategy guide spilling ur secretz...
Loved the illustration where the seller gives the picture to ebay. And, ebay says "Ok thx" - LOL.
Now I know how why I wasn't making any money on ebay. I didn't list my item with the "keyword" NOT iPOD. Oh, and didn't know you had to have an account too for selling. :-)
lol most people get terminated for drawing while at work but I think this could be some good link bait. I think we should all link to this blog as "Ebay Sellers Guide" and see what we can do as a team effort ;)
LOL. Rebecca made a funny. I also love the hot niche keyword reference. Britney Spears would have also done the trick. Anything to game the system, right?
Mmmm, money....It is good!
Stil, what the guy trying to sell with this spam message? Apart from the vacuum cleaner which is not an ipod, that is.
But what a way to start my day, had a good laugh. Thanks!
A good laugh after work, thanks Rebecca. btw i need a new design for our website PM me.
Yes! Make sure you upload using broadband providings.
I was convinced of this new sales strategy until i saw the frame of the user handing a photo to an Ebay customer service staffer.
This is obviously false, Ebay has Not Customer Service.
Three times fasterings? That post is extrordinarily strange, but hilarious.
Hahaha, it's great Rebecca! Awesome MS Paint illustration skills! :) Did it really have the accent or was it just your extra touch?
No, it was really worded like that.
Word for word. Rebecca showed me this submission a little while ago and we both thought it needed to be shared with the world.
Awesome illustrations, Becs.
Hi rebecca, it is so funny :D..
You should post something like this more often or may be you could make a program named "Ridiculous Friday" just like "Whiteboard Friday":D :D..*joke*
Rebecca I should say that you have a potential to become a SEC (Search Engine Consultant Comedian).
:D :) :P
This is the funniest thing I've read all day...
This spammer deserves an A+ for their creativity
I think the spammer has missed an essential step.
First they say, "and then you write about you item in describe section..."
And then it skips to "and then you post item..."
What about the "and then buyer bids and wins your item" ?
I'm sorry but this ebay method is clearly flawed. Is that what gave it away as being a spam post?
Awesome. Drawings were hot. Shoot. I hope to see more of that stuff out there. Rebecca, you really SHOULD start a new site with spam like that - and illustrate it as such. Oh man.. the field day the Stumble Upon users and others would have.
Can't you just hear the laughter in offices all over the country? You could like, change the country by spreading laughter and cheer to offices the world 'round. You could like... almost run for offce or be an ambassador or something. You know? Like.. are we human or are we dancers???
I've been a bit hard to find on the Moz recently and now I can come clean about the reason why.
To be honest I felt that the standard of content had dropped a bit over the past few months. But now, with this post, you're right back in my good books (and I have to thank Rebecaa for recognising solid gold content when she sees it).
If you could get the guy who wrote this amazing guide to post some more stuff then I think I can safely say that the Moz will be back to its very best. Maybe you could get him to replace Jane?
Outstanding! Your illustrations are brilliant...Dr. Suess meets Dali. Genius!!
Brilliant! Awesome work, Rebecca!
a refreshing, comical post
I think you should look to XKCD for stick figure drawing help. =p.
wow nice post its hilarious wew!!! you make my day great lol !!! i never thought that it is a spam hmmp..i really laugh the end of the illustration anyway thanks for sharing it... love it so much!!!
thats so funny how the description of using paypal on Ebay...
i liked that :)
I have great feeling that you much joy have caused me.
I was looking for to make massive money with ebay, and now secret you have told me.
Ever notice how you aren't sure if you are talking to yoda or not? Mmmm.... this good makes me feel......
Anyway, very funny post I laughed my you know what off....
LOL!!!
That was a good one! Don't know which was worse, the drawing or the writing!! Absolutely class...
Honestly what people do to get rich!!
Rofl, this made my morning!
What font did you use on the drawings :)
I just found this. The cartoon was great. Thanks.
So so so so funny.
Thank you thank you thank you.
There's just something incredibly awesome about basic hand-drawn-using-a-mouse illustrations. Wow. I think someone should turn this idea into a full fledged community website. "Illustrate Spam!"
LOL literally.
Here's a vacuum that really sucks! Hahaha double meaning.
LMAO! That is hilarious...totally cracked me up!
Loved "THE END" piece...reminded me of the "End of the world" video:
https://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/end
Never knew Ebay was this easy :)
That picture just simply hilarious, made my day!!
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Albert Einstein
Haha, just my kind of humour, thanks for the laugh. You are definitely getting a thumbs up on my stumbleupon!
Hilarious!! Thanks for a good giggle - even my non-seo colleagues were on the floor laughing!
i love spam posts one of the best ones ive seen was a kind of ascii art where they took a random paragraph and made text super small and then colored the text so you could read "buy lalala" it was way cool and made it past spam filter
ill look for ti it and get back to you
Excellent, can you help me with my Avatar?
Classic!
K.I.S.S. - Keep It Simple Stupid still works.
I laughed pretty hard just reading the illustrations, but then the comment from Ken about how to be a super hero, that was just pure genius!
Im printing this out right now. It's going right next to my collection of "Farside" cartoons. I would love to make this an ongoing segment Rebecca! Nicely done.
Could this be the holy hook of linkbait?!? The spamhook? The secret all the spammers know about and have kept quiet for all these years? *off to write an ebook...*.
OMG you speak really good! I can't believe you are telling everyone the secret formula...now everyone will know :O
Nice Catch.
Hope they dont do that again on seomoz..
Hi Rebecca,
For what it's worth, yaayisorich.com is still available.
But you better hurry, the herd moves fast...which by the way, has nothing to do with SEO.
Keep up the smart humor...we all need it.
Happy Ox Year!
Did Borat write this?
There is a pigeon in your bank account!
One word....."Quality".....
:-)
This man is clearly a genius promoting (what appears to be) one of the most groundbreaking new online marketing strategies we've ever seen.
Rebecca, are you sure this was spam?!
Excellent use of the English language - he's clearly articulating himself at a level far beyond our means of comprehension.
Amazing. Perhaps we could do a whiteboard friday with him? Please?
I wonder if Yoda worked in China and used an online translator...
Thanks for the good laughs, The great thing about mi comment is thay i dont have to correct it for spellin erros.
You wouldn't no the difference anyways!
stumbledupon comedy gold. hilarious piece, bookmarked.
@ Rebecca,
SOOOooo you actually bought this "strategy guide" to get this amazingly useful info?
Or they simply spilled the magic beans of how to do it in the promotion (so why get the guide)?
Either way WTF!
,Michael Martin
Google And Blog
This is one of the funniest post I have read in a while. I wonder if they will come out with their own ebook?
I have kids. This is no kid's illustration -- the words are spelled correctly in the drawings! Rebecca, you'd be caught if you tried to send this to a 5th grade class.
I smell trial balloon ..... great stuff
That's great! Thanks for the laugh.
I loved it. Thank you for making my evening. Sign me up to be rich ebay seller of not ipod.
So, buy low sell high? It's for the want of genius like that the world economy is in such a mess!
This is great, this is really what dealing with eBay feels like!
Nice drawings... really gets your point across!
-Brenelz
Now THAT is hilarious! Now I know you secret!
Ok, that was so funny. LMAO.. SO simple, so easy, and actually very cute. Should be made into e-instruction manual and sell it on ebay. Make you rich real fast:-)
LMAO! the best part is the ebay uploading man.
I just caught myself laughing out loud at work -- thanks!
The EBAY guy actually made a FLASH presentation of his thoughts on the end of the world!
https://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/end
Enjoy - unfortunately no you good Ebay strategy tips
Michael Martin
Google And Blog
i thought user generated content was YOUMoz?