After having worked with a number of clients as well as listened to my colleages talk about companies and folks they've worked with, I thought I'd draft up a handy list identifying the various types of clients you may run into. I've found that this list is extremely official and scientific, so you should be able to refer to it and instantly identify a potential client. ;) Enjoy!
1. The Gabbo Client
The name for this client stems from the episode of The Simpsons titled "Krusty Gets Kancelled." In the episode everyone in Springfield sees commercials and billboards saying "Gabbo! Gabbo! Gab-bo!", but nobody knew what the heck Gabbo was. A Gabbo Client is someone who hires you to help out with their site, and when you take a look at the site you have no idea what the hell they're selling, what the site's purpose is, what it's focusing on, or why it even exists.
You: "What...is this?"
Client: "We've got videos!"
You: "Yeah...I'm still not getting it though. What's the site's purpose?"
Client: "Check out this funny article about marshmallows! We've got another one about Jay-Z!"
You: "Uh, so...you're selling...rap s'mores?"
You're gonna like me! You're gonna LOVE me!
2. The Lumbergh Client
You've all seen Office Space, so I'm sure you're familiar with the boss, Bill Lumbergh. A Lumbergh Client is someone who is unfazed by your efforts and instead needs you to "go ahead" and make a bunch of ridiculous changes to their site, even if you're only providing consulting work.
Client: "Yeeeeah, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and manage our paid search account."
You: "I don't do paid search."
Client: "Greeeeat. I'm also gonna need you to redo our landing pages and increase clickthrough rates by 110%."
You: "I'm only providing consulting. Don't you have a team or a staff to handle these--"
Client: "Greeeeeat. We'll touch base at the end of the week." [hangs up]
Yeeeeahhhh...
3. The Flatterbut Client
Flatterbuts are people who flatter you, then follow it up with a "...but..."
Client: "This site design is really incredible."
You: "Why thank you! I'm glad you like it!"
Client: "Really, this is just great work."
You: Aw, well thanks."
Client: "I just love it...buuuuuuut...I really want the whole thing to be in Flash."
You: "Again, I really appreciate your--wait, what?"
4. The Jessie Spano Client
For all you Saved By the Bell fans out there, I'm sure you remember the infamous episode where goody goody Jessie Spano gets addicted to caffeine pills and freaks out:
A Jessie Spano Client is someone who initially is "so excited" to work with you but ultimately gets overwhelmed by all the changes that you recommend and has a massive freakout from the stress of having to do a complete site overhaul. Most Jessie Spano Clients don't end up implementing any of your recommendations because they're afraid of a) losing rankings (even though you repeatedly tell them it's temporary at worst), b) confusing customers with the new "confusing" design, c) making the site more complicated, or d) all of the above.
5. The BTJ Client
The BTJ Client (or Bigger Than Jesus) is someone who is obsessed with getting a PR9 or PR10 site, no matter what you tell them or how hard you try to convince them that Page Rank isn't something they should obsess over.
Client: "I really want us to get a PR10 ranking."
You: "Um, for your wool socks site?"
Client: "Yes. It can't be that hard, right? Lots of sites have PR10s, yeah?"
You: "Well, there's Google.com..."
Client: "Okay, maybe a PR10 is a bit of a lofty goal. How about a PR9? I think we're PR9 material. Which sites have a PR9?"
You: "Uh, Yahoo.com..."
6. The DEFCON 1 Client
We've all had a DEFCON 1 Client. They somehow manage to freak out over everything.
Client: "Did you get my 24 emails?!"
You: "I saw them in my inbox and thought I'd call. Is something wrong?"
Client: "YES! It's terrible! I don't know what to do! How do we fix this?!"
You: "What's wrong?"
Client: "When I check my site's rankings from home it says we're at #5, but then when I'm at the office it says we're at #6!"
You: "Uh..."
Client: "Also, Yahoo! Site Explorer said we had 312,947 links last week, but this week it's only reporting 312,522 links! How'd we lose 400 links in a week?!"
You: "Oh dear..."
7. The H8tr Client (aka The Haterade Client, aka The Negative Nelly Client)
You know how it goes with these guys:
You: "What did you think of my recommendations?"
Client: "Hated them. Can't execute any."
You: "Uh...well, what about our design mockups?"
Client: "Not one is remotely feasible."
You: "Well, did you at least get my holiday gift basket?"
Client: "I'm allergic to nuts. Also, I hate Christmas."
8. The T-800 Client
This quote from The Terminator sums up T-800 Clients quite nicely:
It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.
Well, maybe not dead. More like "it will not stop until you've gotten it top rankings."
Client: "I want #1 rankings."
You: "Well actually it looks like you're getting great clickthrough and conversion rates from the position you're currently at, so I don't know how much moving up a couple spots will help you out..."
Client: "I want #1 rankings."
You: "I mean, if anything, you could focus on usability and worry more about the customer experience on your site..."
Client: "I want #1 rankings."
You: "Sigh. Okay, I'll see what I can do."
Client: "I'll be back."
Either looking for Sarah Conner or top rankings...
9. The Brainy Smurf Client
This type of client fancies himself an expert on Internet marketing despite actually knowing very little. He usually latches onto a buzz word he's just heard and spouts nonsensical information in a smug, know-it-all fashion:
Client: "We're really angling for a holistic social media approach, because, you know, content is king and we need that link juice!"
You: "What do you mean exactly?"
Client: "Well, you're supposed to be the expert, but I'll tell you what I think. Basically, we really think that canonical long tail latent semantic indexing is what's going to put our site over the top...blogosphere."
You: "Is that even English?"
Client: "Linkerati!"
Jerk.
10. The Holy Grail Client
Finding a Holy Grail Client is like finding a $20 bill in a six-month old Christmas card that you were going to throw away. It's like stepping on the scale and discovering you've lost 10 lbs. It's like trying something for the first time and discovering that you're a natural. While the perfect client isn't quite as elusive as unicorns, leprechauns, or unicorn-riding leprechauns, they're nonetheless tough to come by. Nonetheless, once you do work with a Holy Grail Client, you remember how satisfying client work can be. These are the folks who are excited to work with you, trust your recommendations, appreciate your hard work and efforts, understand your reasoning and are able to grasp various concepts, and genuinely love everything you've done for them. Holy Grail Clients make me happy.
I wish they were all like you...
What types of clients have I failed to mention? Got any good ones to share? Post your suggestion in the comments and I'll award the best one (don't thumb spam because I'm just going to pick the one that I like the best) a free month of SEOmoz PRO. Or, if you don't want PRO access, I can send you a can of Redbull or a lock of Rand's hair or something. We'll figure it out...
UPDATE: Congrats to Sprise for adding The Pusher to the list of clients. He wins the prize! Sprise, your lock of Redbull-soaked Rand hair is in the mail. ;)
The Pusher is so named because of (1) their unnecessarily strict deadline push, (2) your need for the caffeine pusher to meet said deadline, and (3) your need to find a real pusher for chemical remedy after dealing with this type of client. The interaction goes something like...
you forgot the week 5, oh they said lets go ahead, same concept different client, different industry....
Oh geez, this one's the front runner right now--has happened to us so many times...
sprise: ROFL!!!! OMG! still laughing! That is the story of my life!!!
I am still laughing about this one. InHouse, Agency and Consultants can agree on this scenario!
yeah but at least if you're in house you don't have to pull the all nighters, and you can get it to them and then forget about it until the decision has been made. Working in house I don't really have to worry about my clients going elsewhere...it's a wonderfull life :)
Isn't that the truth. Then they get the bill for the all nighter and say:
Client: whats this rush fee for?
Haha, that's awesome sprise. Get those ones all the time. Want to get the client moving on reviewing something? Invoice them :)
I hate those £@&%$#ers.
I've had a million of these. I seriously have a client I've been dealing with for over a year who's just like this!
Good work :)
that is one of the worst. happens all the time to me and its like umm so i shouldn't take your deadlines seriously because you wont even have time to look over the work? or i get the ok then later on they say oh we didnt test it that well and we now want it to be able to do this and the change they want is is core functionality so you get to rewrite whole parts of the code
great i get paid by the hour and you just made me throw away my work (and your money)
Client: we want social media.
Me: Ok, I'll be glad to set everything up for you, but who will be creating the content and maintaining the content... and interacting with the community?
Client: (deer in headlights)
Me: Social Media involves people. You need to interact with people.
Client: can't you do that?
Me: no, the other xxx sites have me tied up right now
Client: we'll put videos on youtube. I'll add friends on facebook, but you'll have to show me how.
Me: palm to own face.
Social media is people! PEEE-PULLLLL!
John, you should really stop doing social media for XXX sites. What would your mother say?
xxx sites have me tied up right now... classic.
Lmao. xxx sites. :) Moz favorite right thur. :D
Bad Clients:
The "check's in the mail" clients that are always 2 months behind on their invoice but call you every day to ask you what you've done for them lately.
The "stone age CMS" clients. Want to edit title tags, METAs, H1s? Forget about it, the CMS doesn't allow for that. Want to change the HTACCESS file? Has to be billed out by the hosting company at $200 an hour. Want to change a few words on a page? Has to go through three levels of approval. But don't worry, there's a new CMS coming with the 2011 redesign.
The "flash rules my world!" client that is in love with their awesome looking flash interface. Impossible to navigate and impossible to optimize, the site is beautiful...if you have a T3 line in your office that can load it in under a minute.
The "friend who just needs you to look at his site real quick" client. Not really a client but he'll want to take up hours of your time getting free SEO advice from him (solution: tell him you're busy and send him a link to SEOmoz).
Good clients:
The "one sale per year pays for your entire retainer" client. The golden goose. Get them a few leads that convert and they'll love you forever.
The "I don't know what SEO is but we better keep paying that guy" clients. Your mystical SEO powers have brought traffic and leads to their site. Now, 5 years later, they think that if they stop sending you checks their rankings will crash. Special bonus: they never call or email you.
Misery does love company!!! This blog post got me to register for the site FINALLY!
My favorite "client horror story" is the client for whom I put up a one page place holder page because she had already secured a domain name and hosting prior to contacting me.
The page was simply her logo and an email link. She called me on the phone a few days later. She was HORRIFIED that people who visited her website could SEE the contents of her hard drive. I must remove that ability IMMEDIATELLY!
I went scrambling, trying to find what she was talking about. The code was so simple - I couldn't figure out what was going on until she called me AGAIN! This time, she was at her husband's work and when she went to her website from his computer, she couldn't see her hard drive anymore but now she was seeing the contents of HIS hard drive instead!
Then, I knew it was a CLASSIC PEBKAC - Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair. She thought that her website included her desktop. I quit taking client referrals from the client who referred her to me after that!
To be fair, some folks simply don't have an ounce of geek in them. That's when it's up to us to say, "Stop, back away from that computer..." :)
omg that is hilarious. i've actually had a couple of people like this.
Thats brilliant! We've had a couple of moments like that. My favourite ever was one where a client of ours asked if they could send a fax back to their office confidentially, by putting the letter they had scribbled down into an envelope before attempting to fax it...I still laugh out loud every time I remember that.
I would add the Lucy van Pelt client to the list.
The client that holds the football out there for you with promises of a great partnership only to pull it away at the last minute. Leaving you tumbling head over heels wondering what the hell you were thinking when you trusted them in the first place.
These are usually the clients that seem too good to be true, have a huge budget, and never end up spending a dime. They always need just a little more information before they can commit to anything, and just keep holding the football out there for you until you finally get tired of trying to kick it and decide to walk away.
This article made me die laughing. It's very true! Thank you so much for posting it. I'm circulating it around my office as I type this!
I once had a Lucy Van Pelt - what he's really doing is pumping you for information so he can use it himself for free. I got him to sign when on our 5th 1-hour conference call he asked me a complex question and I answered "Well, I really don't know how to do that for your particular business without getting into hours of research. That's what you'll be paying me to do when you sign me".
Bang! He signed me before the end of the week.
Remember, they are not paying you for WHAT you do - they are paying for HOW *you* do it.
Maybe not quite the same as clients, but there are categories of propective ones that are always fun to weed out:
Client: "I like what I've heard so far, you come well recommended, and I understand how important this is for our business. We should be able to have all this SEO stuff wrapped up by Friday for $200 right?"
You: *facepalm*
Just assume they mean per hour, don't facepalm, but
"$200 is a little slim, that'll be $4800 total, throw in a case of Cristal and we'll call it even"
I never expected it, but I've had the I don't really want this clients.
Example:
Or there's always:
As a very small company in a rather small southern town, we get a lot of what I like to call "Cletus Spuckler" clients. I haven't seen any mention of these yet, though we get them quite often. Maybe you are all far luckier than we.
Somehow, without ever having been on the Internet or owning a home computer in their lives, they suddenly want a website. Sometimes even a e-shop. They live in the boonies and make pottery or are plumbers.
Me: "Well, this new website is definitely going to need optimization. We can probably get you great local search results as well. The competition for these terms in our area is pretty low."
Cletus: "What is op-teem-ization?"
Me: "Well, you know how when you search on Google-"
Cletus: "No."
Me: "Well, uh, see..."
A week later we get an enraged call that they've viewed their initial site design and it's not EVEN in ENGLISH! Lorem ipsum what? Is this Russian?? I don't want no dang ole Russian site!! ::grumble:: commies
Most folk'll never get SEO, but then again some folk'll..
Hahahahahaha. Awesome
Comforting to know I'm not the only one who's actually received the, "What language is this? I can't read that. I need to know what that says."
"I GAVE you content, why isn't it there??" (Even if they only gave you a few small paragraphs for the whole site).
ZOMG! I'd forgotten about the "Why the %$#&@ is my site in some #&^@#% foreign language?" clients from back in my freelance days!
wow... that was a painful memory to relive...
I've had that happen INSIDE my company!
A week later we get an enraged call that they've viewed their initial site design and it's not EVEN in ENGLISH! Lorem ipsum what? Is this Russian??
OH! I've had those! I had one guy actually downloading translators trying to read it. This was an IT professional, too. Wow. -_-;
The Clueless Reputation Management Client:
Client: We want to do search engine reputation management.
Me: This is great news. So you want to join the conversation, interact with your customers, and really embrace your community!
Client: Oh absolutely not. We want to squash all of these bad reviews from Google.
Me: Um, well, you realize that there are A LOT of bad reviews out there. Perhaps you may want to improve your product? Or at least engage the community and tell them that you are listening to them and working on making a fix?
Client: Listen? I'm sorry, can't you just get these rankings off of the first page?
Me: Well, perhaps. But there is a bigger issue here.
Client: Great, so let's just have you get these off the first page and we'll keep everything status quo around here.
I like the people who's homepage is on the second page below negative reviews... they are definitely my favorite!
Great post, I recognize quite a few of them (including the Pusher). However, you forgot two.
The Whoops! client
Client: We launched our completely redesigned website this morning, could you take a look if everything is search engine friendly?
You: Uhm, redesign?!?
Client: Yes, we redesigned our entire website in AJAX, didn't I tell you?
You: Uhm, no! WTF?
Client: Whoops!
The 'I want that one!' client
It doesn't matter what you offer this client, he always wants what others have. Is one of his competitors ranking for a certain keyword ? He wants the same, no matter if that keyword is relevant for his site or not. Do his competitors buy links by the dozen? He wants to do this as well, because it seems to be working. This client can never be satisfied.
Oh man, we just dropped a Whoops! client for epitomizing that classification one too many times. The immediate scramble is always the worst.
Having worked with clients for years, I find these insinuations offensive and insulting! How dare you, Rebecca! How dare you!!
* looks around *
Let me know when my clients aren't looking, so I can start laughing. I'll need a good, uninterrupted 30 minutes ;)
I thought you were going somewhere else with the Gabbo thing. I always get the clients who want a "Gabbo", where a Gabbo is some technology they heard of on TV, reported by someone who also had no idea what it was.
Client: "I've got to get an AJAX on my site right away!"
Me: "Do you know what AJAX is?"
Client: "It's that sink cleaner, right? If it's cheaper, get me some Comet with bleach or maybe some of those scrubbing bubbles!"
Me: "Ok, that'll be $3.95, plus $150 for the hour it took me to drive to Home Depot."
That's a GMOOT client ("Get me one of those!")
They hear about the latest marketing buzzword, and their immediate reaction is "Get me one of those!" whether they have clue one what it actually is or not.
And to John Santangelo's point, a LARGE percentage of social media clients are GMOOT clients right now. I suspect next year, mobile marketing clients will be largely GMOOT clients.
I had that problem with my last manager. I was hired on to do the in-house seo but she was constantly trying to tell me how to do it based on whatever 'new' idea came across her monitor. The last thing she tried to get me to do was to convert all of existing websites to subdomains so we could control the top 20 slots. This was about 2 years ago. I kept saying no because we'd get them all kicked off when Google found out. When I seen Web Pro News lates video interview with Matt Cutts I just had to laugh (8:15 mark).
Thankfully I don't have to put up with that any longer.
How about moocher "clients" who are old friends you haven't spoken to in years, but have added you on Facebook to boost their numbers then spot that you now "do SEO" and "can you have a quick look at the site my nephew just knocked up for me with Frontpage and tell me how to make loads of money by working the Google on the internet machine?"
Is it wrong of me to throw together a two page snap-review that basically tells them they need to scrap their site and start again because there's no point getting that POS ranked if people are just gonna bounce straight out again before the first table finishes loading?
Or is that why they never email me back?
Ahh, the "moocher"! Good one. I'm sure we all know folks like that. :D
First off, nice post! made me laugh!
How about the "amnesia" client.
client: why arn't i ranking under "the best discount seattle contractor"
you: sir, our keyword research shows that no one is searching for it, thats why it didn't make it to our target keyword list that was approved. you do remember approving the keyword list right...
client: keyword list?
Ah, the "Convenient Amnesia Victim" client. So true. :P
Every client I had used to be one of these, and they seemed to have a bump on the head every week.
What about the "Corporate Cauldron of Doom Client" where an entire board feels the need to join in on a conference call?
me: ...and as we can see from the keyword research report...
board member 1 : LET ME just jump in here for a second...
board member 2: no no, i'll take this one...what we need to know is...
board member 3: ACTUALLY, i'm the marketing director here so i need to understand more about...
board member 1: AS I WAS SAYING, this report doesn't clarify...
board member 4: we need to run this by our legal before we continue to discuss the progress of this project...
board member 2: this isn't a legal issue, we need to make sure this is in tune with our branding efforts...
board member 3: SEO has nothing to do with our branding efforts, it's about getting people to the site only!
me: *facepalm....could i just...
board member 3: we need to discuss this internally. we'll get back in touch with you two weeks from now.
me: thanks?
I've had to watch my poor project manager deal with this. She'll then get calls from two of the people that were in the conference call telling her to do completely different things.
Now this is the type of client we are here :)
Anyone need another client?....crickets
This even applies further down the foodchain in most orgs - I witnessed this all the time with my employer.
Rebecca...truly...too funny! thank you.. (wiping tears) I'll never look at my clients the same way. One's now a smurf..one's a T-800 and some are delightful combos of several categories...
Of course they is also this client
client: can we have that site up by the end of the week
you: well, that's a huge rush, send over the material asap and I'll see what I can do
Mo: crickets chirp
Tue: crickets chirp
you: hey, where is that material? subject? copy, content, info anything????
Wed: crickets chrip
Thu: client: I'll get that to you. we are really busy. can you still do it by the end of this week? just make something up.
you: smashing head on table top repeatedly.
These are my favorite type, I've had a few of these just in the last few weeks. I would never be able to get away with doing that to them, sometimes people just don't get it!
How about the Do-It-Yourself client?
Client: I saw your quote but think it's a bit high.
Me: It's very competitive for the features you want. Maybe we can cut back on some functionality.
Client: Actually, I have a copy of Microsoft FrontPage 97 here. I was thinking I could do a lot of it myself.
Me: [walking out door]
My goodness, where to start.
I have more, but my phone is ringing. Which one will this be...
How about the "what's taking so long?" client?
client - My site has been up for a month and I haven't had any sales yet, my business plan calls for sales of XX units a week.
me - from the start? this can take time.
client - if my business plan is to work I need those sales and I need them now.
me - your other business, you are a realtor right?
client - yeah?
me - how long did it take you to sell your first house after starting your career?
client - 6 months, but this is the internet, everything is supposed to happen faster.
I loved this post so perfect, but after sitting on the phone going onto hour #3 I must add "the Lonely Grandparent" as a client
This is the client that seems happy just to be talking, whether about their website or the weather. Anyways gotta go so I can continue the conversation
Thanks for the hilarious posting!
Awww, the Lonely Grandparent sounds so sad. All you have to do is give him a Werther's Original and he'll be out of your hair. :)
Aw. That's why I couldn't hang up on the cute old guy who called us up thinking our web services company could help him find his old friend from about 60 years before. I knew there was nothing we could sell him, but I searched for his friend for him while he went on and on... No luck unfortunately.
I think I recognise all of these. There's also the La La Land client which can best be summarised by this comic from the excellent Business Guys On Business Trips site, the commentary of which goes:
Haha, excellent post. We get a lot of "pseudo-startups" coming in and asking us to build a website for them in order to launch their revolutionary new product/service. The problem is, they don't know exactly what their business actually is and expect us to not only design and manage their website but to basically tell them how to run their business. Oh and they don't want to pay you upfront but would give you "part ownership" of the business instead. After being burned by one these propositions, we turn these generous offers down 99% of the time and send them on their way. However, several of them will come back a few months later with an "even better, more revolutionary" idea than the first one and we go through the process yet again.
Haha. These are the kind of people who say "design a logo for my company" and you go "great! what's the name of the company?" and they say "well... do you have any ideas?"
Without exception, I hear at least once from that type, regardless of product or service, that they want to be the next Apple or Google.
Having never watched an episode of "Saved By the Bell," I do not understand this reference. Perhaps for us elder statesmen, you should include referrals to Alex P. Keaton's addiction to speed (episode: Speed Trap).
Noted...you fogey.
MY Favorite saved by the bell moment....don't mess up my study date PUNK---oh no he didint
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6qe5kaiTS0g
Wonderfully hilarious post Rebecca
This fight led me and my brother to debate which is worse, a black eye or a fat lip.
The Gabbo clients could have also been referred to as Zombo clients.
Dang, zombo.com got a PR of 6?
This is going to give people a very skewed and lazy sense of linkbait.
anything is possible at ZOMBO COM !!!
My favourite scenario is this classic:
Me: OK, what have we here? A website selling rubber arm bands...
Client: Em, we don't call them rubber arm bands anymore. We prefer "swimming training aids".
Me: But everyone else calls them rubber arm bands... People will search for rubber arm bands... Nobody searches for swimming training aids
Client: SWIMMING TRAINING AIDS!
The Catalog Merchant
• Fri 4:00pm - client: None of the products in this category have the correct price or product numbers, I need this fixed right away / you: Wow, how is that possible? We just put that information on the site, from your catalog.
pause
• client: I'll call you right back.
nothing
• Sat. night/ Sun. morning 2:00am - email from client: I thought you were going to fix this page tinytinyurl.com. I need this fixed, right away.
10:00am - email to client: I don't think that we agreed on a solution, and you don't take orders over the weekend.
• Monday 9:00am - client: (Hands over a folder containing 120 catalog pages that have not yet been printed) This is the new catalog, I need all of these images on the site with the appropriate product numbers and prices by the end of the day. / you: Ummm...I don't have those images. / client: They're right here. / you: (looking at client, looking at folder, back at client) I'm going to need a disk with these images, but I can get started with the other information. / client: hufs and walks out.
• Tuesday 9:00am - you: We've uploaded all of the images and data to the site. / client: That doesn't look anything like the catalog, why isn't the phone next to the box with the information about the dremel above the box, and the price is too far to the left. / you: I will be happy to do everything in my power to aid with the transfer of your site to another server. Thank you for your business.
You forgot the confidential client, the one that makes you say, client? What client?
A boss of a company booked a meeting with my firm in order to get a website a few weeks ago. He didn't have time to meet us himself, so he sent one of his dear employees to meet us. The employee, who formerly worked with something in TV was a fun guy. In a summary, this is what he claimed:
"TV Advertising will always be better than internet advertising, because the ROI is so much better. I mean, everyone watches TV and there are less TV channels to choose from than internet sites. I don't really think my firm needs a site, so I'm just here because my boss told me to and I never say no to a free lunch."
OMG - how unbelievably....scary!
This could be one of the reasons why it's taken the company so long to get a Web site. Hopefully, the boss will realize what happened here.
Best blog post ever!
I've dealt with both the Terminator style client and the Smurf one. The Terminator wanted top rankings for almost bugger all... I think the Smurf just liked to talk big words because it made him feel better.
I researched past Terminator films to give me a few ideas to deal with the Terminator client. Lowering them into a vat of molten metal or crushing them in a printing press both seemed to work fine. The client hasn't troubled me since.
PS: This also worked with the Smurf.
Haha, hilarious...
Although as Inhouse I'd have to say that there'll have to be a follow up "10 types of agencies" ;)
Even within client companies tho this works..
Them: So this twitter thing its like txt messaging 400 people at once? Great!
Me: erm no not really...
Them: So can you email them all our great new PR thing?
Me: erm no not really you see..
Them: Fab
Me: Er have you just walked off? oh well....
A typical conversation with one of my hardest-to-please clients. Not sure what nicname to give them:
Client: I've just checked 'Villa Rentals' and we're now #1 as of this morning.
Me: That's great. That site-wide optimisation we performed for you last month obviously made a huge positive impact on your search position.
Client: Yes, but i'm not happy.
Me: Oh...
Client: I want to be top for the term 'Travel'.
Me: Right?...
Client: There is a bigger pie for the 'Travel' market, so I want a slice of that instead.
Me: But your company brand is 'Villa Rentals', your URL is www.villa-rentals.co.uk...We are working to your strengths. We no longer even have to run a PPC campaign for the term because to rank so high organically.
Client: I don't care. I want to rank for 'Travel'...
I think these are "eddie the eagle clients"
You know, I laughed and laughed and laughed to the article and comments and at the end of the day the joke is on me the agency seo who has to deal with the perfect storm of salesmen and account managers who come at you in all angles because they cannot deal with the illogical and ask you to perform miracles with nothing in your hand. Our work is not an easy one that is for sure.
I'm pretty sure there's only 9 types of clients, but way to save face with the "oh, no - did you see #10? that's you" insurance for all the SEOmoz clients who might call you out on this post.
Client:I need you to build me a site for my business
me:ok, what i need you to do is to start gathering content for me to put up, what kind of pictures, what kind of text, what information do you want to be there...
Client: ok, well its basically a (2 sentence summary of their career for the past 20 years)
Can you start with that?
me: sure, that takes care of your first paragraph on your home page, what else would you like?
client: oh you know, like how other sites in my industry are, i gotta keep up with them..
Yes and completely true:D. Having SEO work with the T-800 really make me crazy.
Client : I want my website rank #1 for these keyword.
The List:
Me : Are these keyword have searches and bring a lot of qualified traffics?
Client : I want my website rank #1 for these keyword bla..bla..bla
Me : Ok, but I think your site should be more focusing on ....
Client : I want my website rank #1 for these keyword bla..bla..bla
and the site must like this (awful picture..)
Me : Oh..God :(
What about the "Double it!" client? These are the people that have no comprehension that search traffic has one major limitation: the number of searches!
You: We finished optimizing your niche product website.
Client: Great! How's it working?
You: We've increased traffic by 100%.
Client: Excellent. Double it!
You: Excuse me?
Client: Double it!
You: But we just did...
Client: Yes, but we're only halfway to our revenue goal.
You: I see. What about selling to China?
This is bloody hilarious. You got a fair few "LOL" moments from me while I was reading this... but you know that because you heard me ;)
Satisfying nonetheless. :D
I think this might be my most favourite article on any site, or in any magazine, or anywhere else, of all time.
Before we work with anyone new I send out a huge caveat list. This includes all kinds of possible engineering issues (we do ecommerce), no we can't guarantee first page placement in google, yadda yadda yadda. I'd rather lose a client than have a really unhappy after the fact. Almost always, if they go elsewhere and get screwed, they eventually come back ready to listen to us. Too bad this incurs a lot of cost for them! We try to give the best deal to start out with, but if the expectation is unrealistic, ie; "we want to be an amazon.com and have a 10pr in 6 months" for a site that sells curtain rods, and they won't listen to logic and reason, it's best to let them learn the hard way by hooking up with a sleezy outfit. Later on, you can ride in on the white horse and be the good guy that gets things back on track. Fire fighting is profitable.
The Milk Carton Client.
Regular status updates have been sent, calls are answered and duly noted by the secretary, and the site remains completely unchanged. Has the milk carton client moved to a farm to run in the fresh air, or is something sinister afoot? Good thing they're on automated billing.
Haha, I love it. "Have you seen this site manager?"
The bad thing about milk carton clients, they can turn into Defcon 1 Terminators when they venture outside of their bomb shelter.
Client: I want top organic Google ranking for the word: mortgages
Me: Sure, that is no problem at. Do you want to be number 1 or number 3 or what....Client: I want number 1, and can you get that for me in a week or 2 as this can be a busy time for me.Me: Sure, no problem. Got a pen, as I need you to follow some instructions. SEO is a team effort you know.
Client: Cool. Ready to take notes.
Me: Ok. First, buy 100,000 shares of Google stock. Once you have these secured call me. I will then contact Google for you and let them know that you request a number 1 ranking for the single phrase 'mortgages' as you are now a major stock holder. If they do not grant you that position, then we will tell them you are selling your 100,000 shares of Google stock to Yahoo!.
Client: So you are saying that my keyword may not get a number 1 ranking if I use your seo services
Me: BINGO
Just photoshop a number one ranking screenshot and make up some crap about datacenters. "I see you as number one right now! Let me send you a screenshot!"
Oh, you're soooooo bad!
(what a great idea!)
I am not laughing at you,
I am crying with you.
And don't forget the "Iwantitnow" group and the subgroup who drink triple espressos all day long, "Iwantityesterday," - both who don't have the time to give you complete answers, the info you need, get back to you before a deadline, etc.
I've been fortunate not to have these as several colleagues have had to endure. They get caught in my spam filter :)
Client: I need a blog
You: Okay, do you have something to write about?
Client: Ill write all about my business, ill write morning noon and night.
(train the client)
(wait 3 weeks)
Client: Oh yeah, we have a blog... what do I do with it?
DOH
Really great post!
This is my main client:
Client: We want a viral video!
Me: For your [insert B2B service]?
Client: Why not?
Me: Well... wouldn't you rather get better search ranking by creating solid content that will likely convert to sales.
Client: I thought you guys were creative.
I've solved this by asking people to write the first three or four blog posts before I design/build the site - to 'get an idea of their style'.
If they can write four posts, they usually manage to carry on later. If not, they tend to come back going 'ahhhh, I think we'll give the blog a miss'
Excellent strategy. Brings 'em down gently.
I've had worse. The guy says he loves to write and writes stuff every week to send out to his email contacts.
So I talk to him about a blog and set it up for him.
What he "writes" is the exact text from what ever book he's reading. He "writes" nothing but he does lots of copying.
I would call this Miss Ing da Koncept
;)
Wow Brainy smurf. I feel shorter and bluer than I did before I read this article.
You can't get much shorter than three apples high...
The stingy client-------------------
client: can we have online PR and virals too?
me: but your SEO budget has been £150 a month for the last 3 months, including running your PPC. We are not even there in terms of onpage editing. Online PR involves having to pay a pro copywriter to write the press release, quality online news submission fees, pay a couple of bloggers, my project management bit...
client: will £50 this month will do
me: no, sorry I dont think we can do it
client: can you take part of the £150 being spent on PPC + part of the £150 montly retainer and pay for the online PR campaign?
me: uuummm, i dont think I can... can you afford £300 a month during 4 months. You say that your sales have increased so, it should be ok £150 more a month
client: no, i dont want this overhead to go any higher than £150 a month
me: I wouldnt call it overhead, SEO is about marketing you business and bring you good returns
client: no, do what you can for £150 but i want results
-------------------
Typically these are small clients. I cannot be bothered with small clients any more. There is too much education involved in the process
What I'm really worried about is that now I'm working in house I am actually turning into some of these client types, I feel really guilty too :(
haha loved it! i think the t-800 even looks similar to a client, but at certain parts of the day it morphs in The Brainy Smurf Client for a moment changing through DEFCON 1, returning to the terminator when you disagree that what they just googled maynot be correct...
not sure about the lock of rands hair... if you can get red bull in syrup form.... here is my suggestion
Wile E. Coyote Client
They are certain to fail from the start of their crazy concept, they buy software from the ACME corporation and try and get you to promote it as part of your seo/sem campaign. The software ends up failing as it doesnt follow any business or design rules...
the cartoon ends with a large explosion and the road runner "beep beep"
Then there is the blog client who wants a real seo friendly blog set up and posts twice a year despite having 1000s of products and images to blog about.....
Where can I get a good wholesaler and just do it myself?
David
Sometimes it can be worse than that. Like when you have a client with multiple characters like these listed above.
The most common that I can see here are the T-800, Defcon1 and the Pusher from Sprise. Those are the most common clients I came across.
We actually had a client who decided that he would just not pay the final payment due on his account because he wasn't getting any conversions after three weeks -- 3 weeks!!! -- A divorce attorney whose brand new, 5 page, website didn't turn over any conversions after three weeks. His site was small because he didn't have any information for it, and he wanted to pay for services as he made money off the site!!! That site is no longer around, of course.
I almost forgot:
The Drunk Client. He leaves messages at 2am on someone's random voice mail after blindly punching numbers into the answering system. In a slur he says, "Chuck, or whatever your name is, I need to..." "Listen! It's my f-ing site!!" And then unleashes a string of mumble-shout explicatives relating to a website somewhere, one you never worked on, saw, or even knew existed. This is actually a positive client, because it's unclear if he's even a client at all, and the voicemails provide comic relief.
Interesting outlook on clients, when working inhouse on seo work the "clients" are often the board and there are a lot or similarities
This is funny Rebecca. How do you call a client that is a combination of: The T-800 Client, The H8tr Client, The BTJ Client and wants everything done really cheap???
Most of these clients all fall into one very broad client category that anyone who has ever read Dilbert will recognize. He is called The Pointy-Haired Boss client.
The gut-wrenching motto of the Pointy-Haired Boss is this: "Anything I don't understand must be easy". A corollary to this motto is that if he thinks it's easy, it can be done in less than a day - and for only a few dollars.
I can't help but laugh! The scenarios are true to life!
This is hilarious! Thanks Rebecca ..
Hilarious post!
One client tried to fax me a CD...
When we helped her come to the conclusion that was not the best option she asked me why I wasnt getting her emails.... that she placed in a folder on her desktop she called email... she started throwing out terms like zipped and compressed as well.
She was a friend of the owner and the only person we were allowed to contact...
...oof
Week later I received the snail mail package.
A month later she discovered outlook... and asked for my help setting it up.... AHHH!
I had a Holy Grail client a couple of years ago. They asked all the right questions, they did everything I recommended. Rankings shot up, stickiness improved, conversions went through the roof. They've now been mentioned in the newspaper and interviewed on the TV news. They've expanded the business a number of times and are still turning away customers because they can't keep up.
The only problem is that they won't write me a testimonial, or even let me mention them on my site. They don't want their competitors to know that they brought in a consultant to help them.
Aw, that sucks. Kick 'em in the shins!
Thanks Rebecca,
This is really funny and great explanation on types of clients.
I want to say about BTJ Client… I have one client who is crazy after PR and always want PR5 or PR6. But he never thinks about Business.
Even I also noticed one client who wants only traffic on his site… he paid only for Traffic on his site… he thought traffic is important….he didn’t care about business.
But Still Client is Client for Us.
This is hilarious.Great post Rebecca! LOL @ T-800 Client :D
Funny post!
Still i could not control my laugh because of "DEFCON 1 Client" conversation.
The "Keeping Up With the Jonses" Client
Client: We consistently beat Google on a daily basis, like really.
Me: WTF?
Client: But our competitor is ranking for "blue widgets that whistle and sing in port st lucie florida." And it only took them like a week to do it.
Me: But we are not targeting that keyowrd and my research and hunch tells me that it does not carry that much traffic really. Let's keep the focus on your main term, "blue widgets." We are at the bottom of page 1 and will soon be at the top.
Client: But my competitor just gained 500 backlinks last month, can we increase our linking with you?
Me: You could but too many links at the same time could have a negative impact. Linking is not a pissing match.
Client: How come my competitor can throw up a new page and have 1st page rankings for that page overnight?
Me: He has a link farm of hundreds of sites in your niche that he has built up over time and is utilizing that to point links to his main site to rank.
Client: That's what I need! How much will it cost? Can we have that live by the end of the week?
Me: Rarg!
GREAT write-up! I literally was laughing out loud!
You all are right but thing is only that client is client.. ..
The 'Stroller/Sprinter/Stroller':
April
Client: I want a blog.
Me: Great. I'll send you a development proposal etc etc.
Client: We're really keen on the blog idea. We'll get back asap.
May...June...July...Aug...Sep...Oct...
Me: You haven't accepted the proposal yet...
Nov
Client: Right, about this blog. We want it live by the weekend.
Me: But...
Jan
Me: I can't help but notice you haven't posted on the blog for 2 months...
Hahahahah... this is a really funny post. I am laughing loudly yet. I thought I was getting the worse clients in the world. But now I know that you also meet them. But nothing more annoying than a client who insists on getting a high ranking for a keyword that nobody searches for, or the customer who constantly is asking me why the Fortune 500 company is ranking higher (with the keyword "mortgage") than his 3-month old website... maybe it is because I am the worst SEO in the world despite the pretty traffic increasing in the long tail searches.
Uh...I'll take your clients who want to rank highly for ridiculous keywords.
Warning sign:
When the first question you hear after a presentation is "How soon will we be seeing results?"
Ouch! This hits close to home because it's so true!
Rebecca,
This is just too true and too funny.
When I get off the floor I will be able to write a better comment.
Sweet Jesus - Rebecca's back! Do I smell a Digg sniper on the roof?
Great Post!! BTJ and T-800 conversation rocks :)))))))))))
Looking forward for similar post which will refresh our mind.
Thanks and You've made my day
Great Post rebecca..
I have faced many clients like this.. :)
Thanks...
I was so happy as I went though the clients, not recognising myself. Until I got to number 9. Ouch
Yes, hilarious!
1. Call it the "SEO Client Training Manual.
2. Give one to each potential client.
3. Alienate them before they torment you.
Timely Post--we are a client.
I hope we are closer to a #10!
Some of client I found in our SEO industries, that they are always comparing their site with competitor. If you say anything to them or suggest them anything they always showing you the sites of competitors.
You: Sir, we have to do these changes on your site
Client: But this website is no. 1
You: Sir, we need to make changes in design
Client: but this website has not good web design, still its No.1
You: Sir, we need to add some of content on your pages
Client: But this website has no content, Still its No.1
OMG, laughed my ass off! Funniest, Seo-related article ever and so true!