"Hey man, do you belong here? I need to see a conference pass!" -- a Pubcon security guard...to Matt Cutts
"You're Internet marketers? Awesome, can I get a business card? I'm putting together a website!" -- a Blue Man (and yes, I gave him my card)
"If I got French onion soup and blueberry pancakes, would you judge me?" -- Jason Arango (aka Manstery Guest) to the waitress at a café at 2 am
"Honey, I already did. I judged you as soon as you sat down." -- the waitress
"Aw..." -- Manstery Guest
"You don't want to go to that strip club. That's where the strippers go to DIE." -- a cab driver
Patrick Sexton, who had been gambling all day, sits down for dinner with a smirk on his face.
"What happened? Did you win?" -- Scott Willoughby
"Oh, you could say that..." -- Pat Sexton, who then pulls a fat wad of cash out of his pocket (our friend Feedthebot turned $200 into roughly $10k)
"So, you're starring in this movie?" -- me, to some random weird guy who was pitching his movie about a stuttering boxer who has to overcome his disability in order to teach inner city kids (I'm not joking) to us
"Y-yuh-yuh-yes. Whuh-whuh-whuh-when I tuh-tuh-talk ab-b-bout the m-m-m-m-movie to puh-puh-people, I d-d-do it in char-r-r-ac-ac-ter so they cuh-cuh-cuh-can huh-huh-hear the ssss-sss-stu-tt-tt-tter." -- weird guy, in an attempt to show off his acting chops and demonstrate that he can pretend to have a stutter (we henceforth referred to him as Stuttering Bret)
"Oooookay...so, what's the running time of this movie if you're stuttering throughout the whole thing?" -- me
"F--- you and f--- you for making it further in the tournament than me!" -- Patrick Sexton to me and David Mihm at the Purposeinc charity poker tournament (I took 19th, which is much better than I thought I'd do)
"I'm sorry, Pat, it's just that you look really good and, well, I'm not used to that." -- Lisa Barone to Patrick Sexton (happy now, Pat?)
"I think we should kill that guy, because he asks too many questions." -- Jeff Pollard, pointing at a guy who didn't know how to play Werewolf and was slowing the game down with all his question asking
"Wait, wait, I have a question: Why do you want to kill meeee?" -- the confused guy
"I think we should kill Jeff!" -- someone at our Werewolf table
"Jeff, care to defend yourself and convince us why you're not a Black Hat?" -- someone else at our table
"No." -- Jeff
"Jeff, you're dead." -- me
"Cool. I gotta go to the bathroom." -- Jeff
"Have any of you seen a funky purse?" -- some lady at Red Square at Mandalay Bay
"A f---ing purse?" -- me
"No, a FUNKY purse. Have you seen one?" -- the lady"No." -- me. The lady walks away.
"I'm still hearing f---ing. What was she saying?" -- Jon Kelly
"Do you watch CSI?" -- Ken Jurina
"I've never seen an episode. Why?" -- me
"David Caruso is over there." -- Ken
"What? He's at Pubcon? Why?" -- me
"I don't know, they want to shoot video of him entering Pubcon." -- Ken
"But WHY?!" -- me
"I don't know. Look, there he is!" -- Ken
"Tell me this doesn't look like those two." -- Dax Herrera, showing the cocktail waitress a drawing he made of me and Manstery Guest (said drawing consisted of a stereotypical-looking stick figure named "Ching Chong" and a Transformer truck)
"It doesn't. That looks like a car." -- waitress
"Todd, if you have the correct amount, put that in as your blind. Don't just grab any old chip." -- me to Todd Malicoat at the Purposeinc poker tourney
"Meh, I'm lazy." -- Todd
"How much do you have?" -- me to David Mihm, who had various stacks of chips arranged messily in front of him
"I don't know." -- David
"You don't know? Why don't you count them and organize them into neat stacks?" -- me
"Why should I? I can guess at how much I have. I mean, I have a pretty good idea." -- David
"What?! Do you 'guess' as to how many consulting hours you have left with a client, or do you keep track of those?" -- me
"Ah, whatever. I don't need to know how many chips I have." -- David
"Grrrrr...you're a bad marketer!" -- me
"You mean you can't eat bacon?!" -- Rae Hoffman, talking to Tamar about kosher food
"No." -- Tamar Weinberg
"But have you ever had bacon? It's delicious!" -- Rae
"Hey, look at my cards and help me out." -- Tamar Weinberg, while we were playing $2/$4 limit poker at Treasure Island
"I can't do that! I'm playing too!" -- me
"But you folded your cards. You can't help me?" -- Tamar, who then looks at the dealer, who just shakes his head
"Hey Dealer, I have a question for you." -- me
"Uh, ok..." -- poker dealer
"All of the dealers' name tags say where they're from. Does the casino check where you're from, or can you just lie and make up a home town?" -- me
"I guess you could make something up..." -- dealer
"So you could say you're from Poopsville, Delaware, and no one would check?" -- me (hey, it was late)
[sighs] "I guess..." -- dealer
"Whoa! I haven't seen you in, like, three days!" -- Rand Fishkin to me
"I saw you last night at the Yahoo party!" -- me
"Really? Oh..." -- Rand (who, it has now been confirmed, has the memory of a goldfish)
"I see you two are having a conversation, so I'll leave you alone." -- Ken Jurina to me and Matt Inman
"Yeah, Ken, this is an A-B conversation..." -- me (you know the rest..."so why don't you C your way out of it...")
"What, no multivariate?" -- Ken
"Make sure you put me in the quotes post!" -- Jane Copland roughly 10 minutes ago
And because Mel Gray was easily the best thing about Pubcon (can we bring him to all of the conferences, Rand? Pretty pleeeeease?), I've decided to award him with his own subsection:
- "Scott said that Parasol Up [a bar at the Wynn] is 'too smoky,' but he smokes!" -- me
"So? It's kind of like 'I enjoy water but I don't like drowning!'" -- Mel
- "Okay everyone, we're going to play a game called Werewolf. Basically, you put your head down on the table and make a lot of noise and then someone dies. It's kind of like the game Clue, only we already know where the murder took place--in the conference center!" -- Mel, trying to moderate a game of Werewolf
- "This is ridiculous--it's like shooting ducks in a barrel!" -- Mel getting frustrated while moderating
- "The Blue Man blue me!" -- Mel after a Blue Man touched his arm and left a blue streak on it
- "I'm going to go have some Me Time." -- Mel, shortly before retiring to a lounge chair on the balcony of the Ghost Bar
This was via text message at Treasure Island. We were refusing to go into some very loud, obnoxious nightclub.
"Gareth Davies: "Bar is quite cool inside. Balcony outside etc."
Stephen Pavlovich: "Sorry mate, you're selling the features not the benefits, and there's no call to action. So 0% conversion rate."
The saddest part about this is that we found this very, very funny.
Here is one that I will never forget . . . it is from SES San Jose 2007 so sorry it's a bit off-topic.
Matt Cutts: Hey, you mind if I steal your power outlet?
Me: Ah, sorry man I have been scoping this thing out for the past hour and my battery is about to die.
Matt Cutts: Bewildered . . . um, okay. I understand.
Seasoned SEO: Hey, Matt Cutts, I've got one you can use (as he unplugs his laptop). It's far more important that be able to get work done than for me to take some notes. You mind if I ask you a few questions?
Me: Studdered and stammered at how STUPID I just was for: A) not recognizing him from his videos. B) not taking the time to read his name tag.
How NOT to meet Matt Cutts . . . by Brent David Payne ;-)
Now Brent, Matt Cutts needs to learn that he can't have everything he wants just because he's a celebrity Googler. ;P
I suppose there is SOME tiny little truth to that. However, the information I could have received from Matt Cutts about specific OneCall issues versus taking notes on a topic I already had a decent grasp on . . . I definitely screwed up. ;-)
Yeah. It will be a huge letdown for him when he quits Google.
Ouch; meanwhile that other SEO got face-time with Matt Cutts, who was tethered to a wall and couldn't escape :) You can ask a lot of questions while a laptop is charging...
And I could barely concentrate on the topic of the session because I couldn't stop thinking, "God I am so f---ing stupid. God, I am so so so f---ing stupid."
(Except my brain didn't edit out the swearing, it emphasized it.)
Payne
>>>"But have you ever had bacon? It's delicious!" -- Rae
You're a filthy editor... I never said that. What I said was "But have you ever HAD bacon? It f__king rocks! How could you go your whole life without ever having even tried bacon?" - then I looked at Jane, who was shoving her face full of turkey and said "How does someone live without bacon?" and Jane said, and I quote "wo mearth-wy ivea".
;-)
You know you were proud of me for my buffet effort. Those 4,500 calories pretty much kept me alive for the rest of the conference.
darling you are the best
That sounds more right, Rebeccas version did seem tame.
"Jane shoving her face full of turkey"
yum.
I love the way you have seamlessly move to stalking Jane.... when are you back in Hawaii... it is cold on the East coast and am always up for a wild weekend
Walking back to the tables during a break at the poker tournament...
I see Rand walking toward the restroom, eyes closed, face toward the ceiling.
"Hey Rand, you okay?" -me
Rand looks down, index finger pointed at his forehead - "Uh. I think I'm really drunk"
That's my boss!
Me: What the Fxxx .... (when I noticed my laptop was tolen out of my room at the Wynn Thursday night/Friday morning)
Me: What the Fxxx (when I got the phone call from the Wynn saying they were not going to replace the computer even though it was because their doors do not automatically shut)
Me: What the Fxxx (when I called the lawyer to file a small claims suit against the Wynn)
Me: What the Fxxx (when I sit down and start blogging about my lost laptop and how crappy the response at the Wynn was)
Really? That sucks!
I know... laptop and my digital camera.... I would have been okay with the laptop but the camera had all the shots of my kids in France last month with my brothers kids...
But the Wynn sucks too.... they should have a big note on the door as you leave This Door Does Not Self Close - Make Sure It is Shut!
That is terrible. Evidently doors that close on their own is too much to ask at a 5-diamond resort.
...and yet they'll charge you for removing a tin of jelly bellies from the mini bar for longer than 60 seconds...
I know... they could tell me the door was left open for an hour or so.... why did that not raise questions?
guess since they had no culpability they let me bet on whether or not I would be ripped off..... maybe I need the prosecuot from the last Seinfeld episode
That was the worst, I had assumed that they were going to work something out with you on that...
So did I... will start the blogging tomorrow... see how high I can have a page ranked against Wynn.... see what they pay for someone doing brand management
While my experience wasn't as costly as yours, take a look at the story I wrote last night about my bad experience at the Wynn Las Vegas.
You'd think they'd pay a little more attention to a bunch of attendees from the freakin Internet Marketing conference. Duh!
I do have to add that somebody who I didn't know got stopped by 3 security guards for the crime of taking two lunches from the lunch table (and the "one was for a friend" excuse didn't fly).
Yeah, those guys were psycho about that stuff. I've never seen so much concern over conference catering. I almost expected them to yell "Swarm, Swarm!" when I took two bagels from the breakfast line.
On Day 1, the breakfast was a couple of tables in the middle of the hall. On Day 2, it had a fence around it, two guards, and a third guard was walking around with a bomb-sniffing dog. What happened On Tuesday to make breakfast so dangerous?
Someone dropped a post-breakfast bomb in the bathroom.
Okay, that was crude. My apologies.
Guuurl, You nasty...LOL
Love it!
Ha! I took 6 to bring back to our booth staff. They tried to stop me but I told them "that other guy" said I could take them and that seemed to pacify them. Then I batted my eyes a bunch of times.
Something tells me that the majority of the conference attendees wouldn't have gotten away with the last part.
Yeah, the only GUY that could possibly have gotten away with that would have been Pat; he's so irresistably good-looking.
There was no sign warning of only one lunch per person!
Just wanted to add the gag that Jane mentioned right there at the top; it got Stephen funniest geek gag of the week;
Stephen (to well known UK SEO, recently installed as head of major gambling site); So #####, sorted the meta keywords yet?
Also worthy of a mention;
Chris Cotton (at about 3am in Wynn bar): I really want some raspberries!
(About 10 mins later) Amber (barmaid); there you go hon (deposits raspberries in front of visibly emotional Chris)
It seemed there was nothing Amber couldn't do...
I got another one from Chris Cotton...
Chris: CK, have you ever placed bets at a sportsbook?
Me: Yeah... but -
Chris: Great! We need to find one so you can show me how to bet on midget chariot racing!
Ahhh, he does love the midgets....
Especially when they're battling with lions.
I love midgets.... after a few drinks I think they are leprechauns and I try shaking the gold out of them
You're a demon poker player Rebecca, I didn't mind loosing out to you at the contest :)
Sorry to hear about the laptop Frank, I can't believe the Wynn doors don't close automatically.
I know.... very screwed up
But it is!
Full disclosure: we found a meta keywords joke funny as well.
Hard to know if the Jager shots we took right before this made it, a) more or b) less, funny.
Hah, at least we actually did the shot. Unlike someone else who was there.
If I had know the moz girls were doing Jaeger shots I would have been there!
Ah, I was the only Mozzer there :P
You are enough :)
That could be taken two ways... I'll take the nice interpretation!
What the H, Pat?! Don't pick favorites!
No one is better than Rebecca! Rebecca is like my "feel good pill" at conferences. I feel sorta lost until I see her. I look around myself (drunk cause I am at a conference) and if I see Becs I am like..
"I am okay, continue drinking"
I thought it was understood I adore rebecca, it is even in my SEOmoz profile
Back off mate - I am the official stalker
Don't even try Aussie boy :)
lol.... have a lot of mates in Hawaii mate.... be careful!!!
What I meant to say Frank, very respectfully was, er, I am wrong, you are right, and besides, I just made the switch to Jane :)
Okay Jane is my new favorite, she put me on the cover of SEO Facebook whores
Move over Rebecca
Okay so together we become Wonder Twin Stalkers!!!
Wondertwin powers.. Activate! (well unless there is a poker game or masseuse around, in which case we can always activate later.)
Sarah gave me her number.... so we are always good for a massage
You hear that, Pat? That's the sound of my heart breaking.
*sniffle*
Should have gave me a t-shirt, pretty
Okay, I have to stop, time to start my B-day!
happy birthday mate... would have stayed in Vegas to help you celebrate
The problem is you probably said it with some confusing British slang that made it doubly dorky and confusing. ;-)
Search marketers can even put the fun in funky purses.
I try to tell myself I didn't miss out on much by NOT attending Pubcon but posts like this and this and this bring me out of my delusional stupor.
Thanks Rebecca :(
I'm not going to lie to you, man. It was a pretty good week. But I'm sure the office Christmas party was rocking, too.
Caruso was there?
Awww...man...did he remove his shades and say something obvious, yet dramatic?
"Be David Caruso from Jade."
"Okay, I know exactly what you mean."
Rebecca~ I always love reading your quote posts. I actually attended Pubcon this year (no longer a conferance virgin!) and found myself laughing at these quotes and feared that at some point i was going to find an "unknown or random" that was going to be something I stuttered at Ghostbar or the Wynn or some other Vegas establishment that pubcon'ers were at.
keep up the good work
p.s i love the picture of Mel on the hotel room floor.
How about:
Rebecca: Oh, SEO Director eh?
Me: Yes, what's your title?
Rebecca: Silver SERPHER (hands business card)
Me: oh.
Jane: I'm the Social Media Butterfly
Me: Now that's a bad ass title!
Rebecca: (mumbles something about me not liking her title) :(
*note* i love Silver SERPHER! it's cool! ;)
Here's my version:
Rebecca: Oh, SEO Director, eh?
Jordan: Yes, what's your title?
Rebecca: Silver SERPHER
Jordan: Oh.
Jane: I'm the SEOcial Butterfly.
Jordan: Now that's a bad ass title!
Jane: But look at the horrible caricature. Seriously. What the hell. Am I really a fat twelve year old with a squinting problem?
Rebecca: (cackles)
LOL! I never got to see your business card's caricature. You were out. So perhaps too much alcohol influenced your recollection :)
While this is not my business card at its finest, here is a good indication of how good the picture is...
HAHHAHAHAHAHA! Oh wow. Ya...that definitely doesn't do you justice.
Thankfully, that's the response I usually get :) Also thankfully, I have a relatively good sense of humour.
Impressive your business cards come with a life size Dax doll
SEOmoz takes viral business cards to a new level.
I shan't be linking to what he did to the card once he'd removed it from his forehead.
Rebecca, this is the best "quote post" by far, and now that Mel has put out the picture, I may add it to my post where I have already sorta mentioned it, plus I already stole a pic David took of me and my 10000ish 100 dollar wad.
@rebecca - yes, I am happy :)
Love it, thanks Rebecca!!!
Mel takes the cake with...
Good Stuff!
Thumbs up just for the post title. Hysterical...and true!
In my defense, I had just won a big pot & was focusing really hard on how the mechanics of the game worked seeing as how it was my first time. I'll try to be more fastidious next time.
Also I had no idea you made it all the way to 19th--you were almost in the money!
What happens in Vegas can also come home in a DVD with you. You should checkout the Hypnolarious show when you go to the next PubCon in Vegas or for the CES or whatever else :).
I didn't know the blue men could speak...
I was surprised too, but he chatted with us after the show was over.
They smell funny.
I also saw Teller (of Penn & Teller) mouthing some words to some people after the show. I was too far away to know if any sound was coming out, but that seemed out of character for him as well.
Yeah, I saw them in September and Teller definitely talked to fans after the show.
Nice documentation Rebecca! Wow, do you carry a tape recorder?
I only sat at your poker table for about 20 minutes before David knocked me out (and added my chips to his messy pile).
Next year I'll have to use all of my hillarious material early on... ;)
Oh, and best quote I heard was while at a Pai gow table: "Well, you know what I say. A loss is a win in my book" - werty
Spoken like a true SEO
Hahaha! Some of those quotes are hilarious! Really nice work Rebecca... I almost felt like I was there ;)
Are you constantly scribbling down/typing notes or do you really just remember everything?? Pretty amazing!
Sometimes I jot things down in uber-nerd fashion, but I'm typically able to remember most of the good stuff. I have an astoundingly good memory for useless information (see also: movie quotes and "that guy" actors).
And then she asks all of us, "uhhh...do you guys remember hearing any funny stuff at the conference?"
Hey, I said "most of the good stuff," didn't I?
you guys have been doing a great job with this..... always fun to read...
when is the comic getting done?