As many of you know, Rand travels quite a bit for his work, leaving me at home with Raul, the cabana boy. All is well for the first few hours, until I grow tired of Raul's deep tissue massages and the peeled grapes he insists on feeding me. After that, I tend to get a little bored and lonely. I'm assuming the other conference widows out there feel the same way, and as such, I've composed a list of ways to pass the time when your fiancée is away and your rippled Ecuadorian paramour is dehydrated.
- Try to name all the countries in the world. Realizing it is hopeless, try for all the states of the union. Fail pitifully yet again, and get even more depressed when you realize you can name a greater quantity of characters from the Simpsons. To wit:
_
Bart, Maggie, Lisa, Homer, Marge, Abe, Patty, Selma, Mrs. Bouvier, Uncle Herb, Chief Wiggum, Ralph Wiggum, Sarah Wiggum, Snake, Lou, Eddie, Dr. Julius Hibbert, Mihouse Van Houten*, Nelson Muntz, Otto, Sherri and Terri, Principal Skinner, Superintendant Chalmers, Gladys Skinner, Comicbook Guy, Mrs. Krabappel, Krusty the Clown, Rabbi Krustofsky Corporal Punishment, Sideshow Mel, Sideshow Bob, Cecil Twilliger, Dr. Nick Riviera, Bleeding Gums Murphy, Gil, Troy McClure, Jasper, Bumblebee Man, Moe, Cletus, Jimmy Joe-Joe Junior Shabadoo, Lenny, Carl, Kent Brockman, Rainier Wolfcastle, Professor Frink, Lindsay Nagel, Cookie Kwan, The Flanders (Ned, Maude, Rod, and Tod), Reverend and Helen Lovejoy, Luigi (of the pizza place), Jimbo Jones, Kearny, Dolph, Uder (the fat German foreign exchange student), Groundskeeper Willie, Lunchlady Doris, Wendell (the kid who throws up all the time), Hans Moleman, Apu, Manjula (and the octoplets), The Sea Captain, Jaque, Mindy, Tom (Bart's big brother), Pepe (Homer's little brother), Smithers, Mr. Burns, Mrs. Burns (Mr. Burn's mother, who he never forgave after she had that affair with Taft), Judge Constance Harm, Barney Gumble, Duff Man, Bea (Grandpa's dead girlfriend), Ray Magini, Disco Stu, Arnie, Lionel Hutz, Mayor Quimby (and his wife). Also Sophie (Krusty's daughter), and Luke Perry (who I include because he is Krusty's half brother on his mother's side).
_
Weep, because you still have no idea where the hell Ohio is. - Rather than doing your spouse's laundry, hide his or her clothing around the house. Place dirty socks inside the pockets of a favorite blazer as a gentle reminder that leaving them on the floor near the hamper is not the same thing as putting them inside the hamper.
- Plan out the outfits you intend to wear at the next conference you do attend. Walk around the house in them to check viability, comfort, transition from day to evening events, and warmth. Don't dwell on the fact that it's 11pm and you're changing your clothes and doing your make up.
- Watch television programs your spouse finds unfit for human consumption. Namely, Chuck, because despite being incredibly stupid and poorly written, you sort of think the lead is dishy. Also, VH1's Rock of Love , where, as one reviewer put it, one contestant can say to another "I don't really think you're a whore", and it's one of the most endearing things to happen all season.
- Invite your girlfiends over for a pillow fight/malt liquor tasting. Explain to your spouse that you would have documented the event, but someone decided to take the camera to the conference. I'm sure those pictures of Dave Naylor were totally worth it.
- Commit perjury.
- Call around to every Nordstrom Rack in King County, vainly searching for the Coach Sara boots that you saw at the downtown store but that they didn't have in your size. Realize that you don't really want the boots, per se, but are enjoying the thrill of chase, a sensation which you can only assume is the remnant of the driving force that kept your ancestors alive when they were hunting and gathering food thousands of years ago. Use this reasoning to justify more shopping.
- Institute a dress code in your apartment. Break it by failing to wear shoes. Argue with the management and threaten to throw yourself out.
- Dinner: peanut brittle and ice cream. Any questions?
- Put on your pajamas and turn off all the lights in your apartment. Proceed to jump and down violently, stomping on the ground, throwing around small woodland creatures, and basically doing whatever you can to annoy the neighbor who lives below you. When she finally comes up to ask what the hell is going on, pretend she just woke you up and reprimand her for her rudeness.
- Write several emails to your editor friends, making simple mistakes like confusing "your" with "you're" and "it's" with "its". See how long it takes before there brains brake.
- Revel in the delightful irony of how Google would need to design its webpage to rank better at Google itself. Watch as your delight slowly turns to frustration and anger when you realize this hypocritical behavior is microcosmic of Google's policies as a whole, and accept that no matter how nice he is to you, Matt Cutts isn't really your friend. <sniff>
- Miss Rand.
*I left off Milhouse's parents because I couldn't get their names right. I thought they were Cliff and Leanne, but are actually named Kirk and Luann. I also left off Homer's mother, because I couldn't remember her name (it's Mona), as well as Ling, because I thought that she was Patty's daughter (she's actually Selma's) and that her name was Li. And naturally, this list is not complete because there were a few names I couldn't recall or get right. Feel free to add (names must be off the top of your head. No looking up info other than to check spelling).
Also, Rand and I don't actually have a cabana boy.
Strength, MG! If you weren't so good at this, we could afford to lose you. But there are precious few who match your superb wit, talent, and geniune joy of living. Keep sharing it with our community. Your light is needed - and appreciated - more than you know.
Captain Rand gathers his team around his whiteboard.
"Guys, some of us are going to be out on the road this week, so we need the reserve members to step up off the bench and CONTRIBUTE"
Rand points at the whiteboard.
"MG, you're out of the bullpen, Rebecca, you're play-by-play announcer. Lucas, you're uhh... our color commentator"
"OK people, let's pack it in, what time is it on 3."
Rand: "1, 2, 3, What Time Is It?"
Mozzers: "GAMETIME!"
(Sorry, I've had ESPN commercials on my brain all morning)
MG, you are our star relief pitcher. As if you should let one pundit dissuade you!
Haha, nicely done.
First thing first - no. 8 sounds like fun, but it did confuse the hell out of me!!!!!
Secondly, but more importantly - life is all about enjoying what you do, whether you do it for fun, money, kudos, necessity.
If you cant enjoy what you do, cant breathe a little humour in your life, then I suggest a change of jobs...
Which is why I think this was a great post! The SEOmoz community is all about helping one another (I think) and having fun!! We explore quite a few different angles of SEO, and do it in a non boring way (I mean look at the googlebot Rand draws...). Every one of us here, if analysed by our writing styles, comments and reactions, will kind of show individual online personas - and to be honest M_G's persona always breathes more life into the blog (Rand you lucky SOD ;-).
SO why would you stop blogging? Cause 4 people thumbed you down? Or one person commented rudely?
How about the 18 that thumbed you up and the countless "please dont go's" above? Communities always have diverse reactions - and sometimes even the simplest things offend some people - but your leaving just because some guy thought that your post was pointless would not be right...
Please stay!!!
Yeah what he said.
Mystery Guest,
You cannot stop writing here. I know you contribute rarely - I think the last time was when Rand's dad was in the hospital, and I don't remember what it was about, but I remember that it was very witty and very good. You are an excellent writer with humor only rivaled by SEO Fangirl (I miss her posts), so you have to be thicker skinned than this.
Risa
Just another vote/request in favor of MG continuing her posts. Her content is without a doubt some of the best written/most entertaining. (Not knocking any of the other staff of course...)
As an aside, while MG isn't an "SEO expert," neither are all of the readers here. I'd imagine I'm not the only one whose business is in an entirely different industry, but still frequents SEOmoz due to the huge volumes of quality content.
As such, I'd say it's certainly beneficial to hear from some of the other people who are involved with SEO (but who aren't "SEOs") from time to time.
YAkko arrives to MG help (youtube). Just sing along :-)
Hi Antonio. Nice to see Zé Povinho around here ;-)
I been spotted, I really must change this avatar (Hi Nuno!) :-)
"Zé Povinho" is a local version of John Dull for the Brits or, I guess, Uncle Sam (the wiki says so and the wiki is always right...)
How weird is it that that's what I was thinking of when I wrote that?
And I found it early this morning on a popular blog I read ;)
I can send you a camera if I get the pillow fight pictures..
No.
Hi Mystery Guest,
I'm new to this blog (about two weeks), and I've read through a pretty good amount of the stuff on here.
I read through this entire thread and want to share some perspective with you. In doing so, it is my hope - along with the majority of this COMMUNITY, that you will continue to have a voice.
Speaking of community; a definition:
1.a social group of any size whose members reside in a specific locality, share government, and often have a common cultural and historical heritage.
Notice it says "often", not "always".
First, let me say that upon reading through this post, I went through from top to bottom and thumbed up, first the story, and then every comment you made in response, for a total of 11 thumbs up. I'll tell you why.
The reason I joined SEOmoz as a premium member is because of community. It's not just another SEO blog - and God knows there are thousands out their. (Their - did ya catch that?) :)
I joined because when I first read a couple of posts, I somehow ran across the engagement story. Then I saw Rand's video. I then viewed your response. My girlfriend cried and if I wasn't such a manly man, I might have choked up a bit too. Okay - I did choke up. I guess I got caught up in the moment. But I'm still a manly man. :) Okay Janet, get off my back!!! Alright - I teared up, ok?! (Janet's my own personal mystery guest). She thinks you're pretty cool to share and she thinks you're funny.
I joined because I came across a few negative posts about that guy you're marrying on another blog and I saw the painstaking efforts Rand made to honestly and sincerely respond to what I would call - a persistent attacker that didn't deserve so much of Rand's attention.
The thing is, some people in this world aren't happy unless they're unhappy. In the handfull of posts I've put up so far, I've tried to contribute some perspective, compliment the posters for their time, thank them for their efforts and in some cases, I've tried to be a bit funny, knowing full well that I'm not really all that funny - but I do try to make people smile when I can.
That's what this post did for me. It made me smile. It also was something I could relate to because I've travelled extensively and as I'm sure Rand has told you - business travel is not always the glamorous life it may sound like sometimes. Actually, I'm sure you know that regardless.
In any case, you say you're not going to blog again because you don't want to hurt the company, community, etc.
I joined this blog because it's a REAL community, a real company, with real - touchable and responsive people. I think Rebecca and Jane are great, and I've never spoken a word with either of them. Not to mention that there are a boat load of wicked smart people that I'm learning a great deal from here - all for a lousy $50 bucks a month.
I would hate to see a part of this community - which you so clearly are, go away. It would kind of be like having the community stock drop several points. There's a reason newspapers have comic strips - to interject a dose of levity into a mostly cynical world. Ever notice how popular the comics are? You no longer blogging? Now - that would hurt.
Edmund Burke once said:
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men (and women), do nothing."
Mystery Guest - if you stand by and do nothing (i.e. stop blogging), because a single new reader questioned whether your post was on topic or not, and a handful of numbnuts thumbed up that negativity, I fear you will set SEOmoz on a direct and irreversible path toward evil. Do you really want that blood on your hands? I think not.
I hope you will continue to post and write! The readers have an option of whether or not to tune in. If you look at the overall of the vote count you will surely find that the community wants you. Don't let them (us) down.
Kindest Regards, Sean
I have been using your site for almost 2 years now (even though I just signed up for an account :) ) I love reading stuff like this on here.
Mystery dont worry about what one person has to say. This is well worth reading I alwasy look for a way to laugh when I am at work.
I love it...
Mystery Quest,
Thanks for putting a smile on my face today, I mean that in a totaly non-cabana boy way!!!!
Definitely, keep on writing, you bring a great bit of your own humor and witty to the blog about non-search related topics, which are always a great break to the day!
BTW, no Hank Scorpio? Frank Grimes?
Wonderfully written, very funny.
More please :)
Haha! great post. Anytime I get to watch someone take free pokes at Rand on his own site makes me chuckle.
Don't let one bad seed deter you from writing and expressing yourself in what was a pretty funny post. I'm sure Rand can handle the complainer as any of us that has a public life on the web definitely gets our fair share of nonsense from people that find comfort hiding behind the "anonymity" of the web.
That being said, I do have one complaint about your post. And that is your quote... "Weep, because you still have no idea where the hell Ohio is. "
Sincerely, Joe (in Columbus, Ohio) :)
But see? I find it so distressing to not know where Ohio is (I can actually spot it on an unmarked map) that I would weep. Doesn't that stress the importance of that state? Also, my boss is from there, and she'd kill me if I made fun of it.
Just wait until you've been married a few years, dear. You'll be pushing him out the door.*
*No offense to Rand, naturally - my husband's a great guy too, but a girl needs her space, and a chance to watch Jane Austen movies without the sounds of Team Fortress in the background :)
Lorisa, your hsband has it easy, my wife wants me to "want" to watch that stuff with her :)
I think one reason we've been (mostly) happily married for 13 years is because I have my likes and he has his...and rarely the twain shall meet (except on Thursdays for The Office & 30 Rock).
Weird. That's exactly how Rand and I are. He accepts that I like Wes Anderson a little too much, I accept that he doesn't share my opinion that The Daily Show is in decline. On Thursdays, we watch Tina Fey.
Ah yes, Rand has mentioned his Tina Fey crush on the blog before. I think my husband has one too - and I'm also a lot like her, right down to being left-handed. (Rand mentioned there were similarities between you and Tina).
By the way, I agree with the majority opinion - all work and no play makes SEOmoz a dull blog. Keep at it, MG!
Is The Daily Show in decline? Now that's a question worthy of serious and considered debate.
When we were dating and she got hooked on drag racing, I knew she was the right one :) So we watch lots of drag racing, and now I watch shows like Dancing With The Stars (although I try to get her to snuggle with me and the laptop so I can at least get some work done while I watch it).
MEDIC!
I really like the MG post. It certainly helps my day go by faster, even if it isn't keyword research, SEO tricks and other crap my boss would rather see me reading.
I come to SEO Moz not only for the useful information, but as a little break from dealing with AdWords, YSM and MSN. It's nice to have a laugh and not look over your shoulder b/c your on some useless website. (uh . . . you are on some useless website)
MG, nice post :)
I hadn't thought about doing my makeup at 11pm, watching the "dishy" guys on TV, inviting my girlfriends over for pillow fights, or searching for those great boots at Nordstrom when Susan is away. But now that you mention it, that sounds like a lot of fun!
You guys should get together. Poor Nick needs to get out more, anyway. :-)
Yay! We can shop together! Don't tell Rand (he'll get jealous).
Haha, I didn't get to go to the confernce either. I can get in touch with my feminine side for an afternoon of shopping too :)
Have some fun people! I am with Rand: "if you don't want to read it, skip it". But a bit of humor won't hurt any of us. ;-) Was a nice change.
I love Mystery_Guest guest posts! Keep on writing MG. Your posts are always a great read.
MG,
I, too, had a loved one away at conferences. I had to wait until the kids were in bed to take part in #4 on the list and watch "I Wanna Be A Soap Star".
I liked the options you put out there, and look forward to more suggestions the next time they all go away and leave us to our own devices. I would never have come up with #'s 6 and 8, so you definitely fill a niche in the marketplace!
It's hard to digest this without feeling very, very sad. MG is by far one of the most talented writers I've ever had the good fortune to read. As the fiance of the CEO of SEOMoz, and well loved by this particular community, for someone to come out of lurk-mode to publically complain about a possible off topic post written by her was rude and unkind.
Any one of us has someone who loves and believes in us, as MG does Rand. He is lucky. He is fortunate to have staff and the SEOMoz community willing and able to carry on here when he's away tending to business. He's blessed to have MG in his corner, backing up and entertaining guests here in his absence.
MG, I don't have guest authors in my blog, but should you EVER feel the urge to write, or support someone or something you care deeply about, please consider my blog to be at your beck and call.
A blog that can inject occasional "slice of life" posts is fun to read. And as Rand says, guests can read what they relate to and skip over that which isn't necessary to them on that day. This is the beauty of the freedom to choose.
But what is the Sea Captain's real name?
...
Captain McAllister
Mystery Guest,
I have a few more things that I would like you to do.
1. Find the best traffic estimator and find why there is so much of variation between them.
2. Find ways to get Rand to take you to these conferences.
:)
Cabana boys bearing peeled grapes skilled in deep tissue massage are good things. I've been a little more partial to tea-bearing Chinese foot masseurs so far, but it's all good under the - er - umbrella.
Love #12.
this post just made me get a big smile out of my tired face at the end of a long day working. Well done SEOMOz and well done Mystery Guest for bringing in a bit of humour to our SEO lives, I love this community
Mystery Guest, not trying to offend or dampen your spirits, keep posting. I have a different opinion, and since it's not on par with everyone else here, I get lambasted. So, point taken, I guess this former blog lurker is not an seoMozzer. No more worries from here. Rand, feel free to eliminate my account.
I think it's fine to share different opinions and we really do try to encourage that on the blog, but you've really burnt a bridge for me here - it's very hard to get MG writing on the blog, and as you can see, she's an extremely talented writer. Negativity about a post's existance isn't the same as disagreement, and since you've never commented before, it's hard not to have a bad taste in my mouth about it.
See, though? My post just caused problems and drama and now you are losing a member. Totally not worth it. I don't want to have a negative impact on your company.
Trust me; you've not caused nearly the carnage and destruction that Rebecca and I have apparently been responsible for, and he still keeps us around! And The Lisa is right: you're nobody until you have a hater :D
Hi, Jane!
I know people won't always like what's written, and open debate is a great thing. But really, I just don't want to cause Rand any trouble, especially if what I'm writing is unrelated to the community as a whole. It seems like silly diversion posts like mine shouldn't be points of contention. And if they are, then I haven't really succeeded in creating a silly little diversion. And I've cost Rand readers, which I feel very badly about.
Besides that, my writing gets picked apart on a daily basis at work (that's the nature of the job) so I figure I should limit and additional opportunities for criticism, even if it means not writing.
Don't worry; I've found that when you deal with social media or people on the Internet in general, you'll find that the 90% of people who liked your post were far quieter than the 10% who disliked what you wrote. This is how stories get 2148 diggs and 245 comments that say "omg wtf totaly photoshoped dumb this sux."
There is a lesson somewhere in here about being able (or not) to appeal to everyone. SEOMoz and the community and the fun posts aren't for everyone - but that's fine. Exactly the same set of characteristics that make it not for everyone make it *very much* for others.
Only you can decide if the warm fuzzy feeling of people saying nice things is worth the hassle of the haters (but I for one hope you think it is). But one thing you shouldn't be worry about is losing the odd subscriber. Communities are not built by keeping everyone who visits, but by really appealing to some.
Mystery Guest is most definitely very clever and a great writer - knowing that, I find it hard to believe that one grumpy comment had such a powerful negative impact on her. Look at how many mozzers were happy to see the post!
MG: don't let one comment turn you off when so many others appreciate your style!
Ok, being new to this particular blog but knowing about SEOmoz and what it represents, is this really newsworthy?
Ouch... give the team a break... once in a while it is nice to have a chuckle while reading a blog.
Being old to SEOmoz I can say with great, albiet self-appointed, authority, gosh yes this is relevant. More than that it is vital. I mean, think about it. No, really. Stop. Smell the nacent lubricant fumes wafting-up ever so gently from the back-end of a server farm.
What would happen if all we did was to sit around and look at websites all day trying to put a word here and a link there. Here a Digg there a Digg everywhere a Digg Digg. And then, at the end of the day you fire up your trusty FireFox and read about putting a keyword here and getting a link there and Sphinning your Propeller. Finally, you go to the bar where you imbibe deeply with some other SEOs and Internet marketing professionals where you loudly debate the importance of Lucy in the Sky with Indexing.
And for what? Cyberspace? Talk about stressful. A world where the Search Engines are trying to figure out what's relevant and what's not. Every quarter, every year they get closer and closer. The more relevant the search engines become the less relevant our websites become, yet our clients and employers and husbands and wifes always want higher rankings, higher converstion rates and more visitors. Don't they know that treading water for years at a time is an accomplishment in itself? What if your 787 fell out of the sky into the middle of the Pacific Ocean? How long could you tread water? But no, treading water is not good enough. We have to swim all the way to Hawaii or it means nothing. And if we swim to the wrong island then it's only a partial success and we have to start swimming all over again. Yeah, search marketing and optimization is like that.
We live in a Highlander movie. There can be only one one. Sure most of us are friendly chaps, gentlle-person princes and princesses with big smiles and princly swords. But there are some ugly brutes out there with blackened teeth, sweaty palms, huge rusty broadswords, insane bellowing laughs...people who will do anything to get to the top and they are gunning for your neck.
It's a scary world out there and it's comming....to....get....you!
That's why we need Mystery Guest.
Mystery Guest gives the SEO world a much needed break. She restores our sanity. She reminds us about what is really important. She soothes our Cranium.
And that smile. That wonderful smile. It's worth much more than any #1 ranking. (Ask Rand.)
So damn straight it's relevant. It's Fooking relevant!
Becauze we all need a little Mystery in our lives.
Aw. Shucks.
Why would someone thumb you down on this? :)
To quote Chris, "because people suck" ^_^
Thanks MG & Jane.
Why would someone thumb me down? the ugly brutes out there with blackened teeth, sweaty palms, huge rusty broadswords, insane bellowing laughs...
And MG, please keep writing.
Yeah, it is newsworthy. MG is an important member of the community. She brings a nice non-techie perspective. Not everybody gets to go to every conference.
I appreciate Mystery Guest's posts -- she represents many of the qualities that make SEOmoz fun to read.
Reading a blog is not an obligation.
Hey, I've got no problem with a nice chuckle, but the lovefest here is just a bit biased - but hey, I'll give props to Rand. When you're one of the "SEO Elite" you can pretty much do anything you want, eh?
I guess I'm confused - if you don't want to read this post, you can just skip it right? I think that posts like this make SEOmoz more than just a list of posts about learning SEO or tips & tricks, they actually build a community and give personality to the voices. It's hard for me to picture why you wouldn't be able to kick back and enjoy a post like this, or, if the humor isn't up your alley, go on to the next blog in your reader.
We do stuff like this a lot on SEOmoz and plan to continue doing it for the foreseeable future. If that's not up your alley, there's certainly no obligation to read.
Guess my trying to help you so you could go to bed a little earlier didn't exactly go as planned, huh kiddo? I won't blog again. It's apparently irrelevant and unfunny, and posted only because of your bias towards me. Frankly I'm not as thick-skinned as you are. I can't really deal with getting trashed first thing in the morning. Sorry.
Your headline makes it crystal clear what this post is going to be all about, nobody has been "suckered" into reading. I don't understand the venom.
This post made me smile, even chuckle. Thank you.
Please... never let the bozos grind you guys down.
Congrats, Mystery Guest. You have a hater. This makes you all sorts of legit! :)
2 Legit? 2 Legit to Quit? (Heyyyy-Heyyyy!)
No no - you misunderstand. I am not following that brilliant ballad's advice. In this case, legit or not, I am quitting.
You can't quit. The people adore you! If you quit the only (regular) female voices we get are Becs and Jane. Who wants to listen to them? :p
Quit? MG, there is no quit; there is no can't at SEOmoz :)
Here is something to remember. When you write, YOU rule - they are reading you (not the other way around). You didn't ask for their opinion. I love it when people get all excited about something I wrote; it means I am gaining market share and what I say actually matters to them enough for them to comment.
Like a famous pastor once said when someone quesitoned his message "there are a lot of othrer churches that believe what you believe and you are free to go there" (it's basically what Rand said - no one is being forced to read what you write).
Just keep smiling, he'll be back soon :)
Oh, I know. I was just questioning how legit Lisa thought haters made you.
I can understand you feeling that way, but I hope you don't quit. We love reading your stuff.
Blah, I hope your kidding about not blogging more. Don't let one biased opinion stop you. I personally enjoy the flavor and variety that post like yours offer.
It is nice to see that in such a great community. I wish I had the witty skills as a writer like you do.